Mixed Reactions to Lump
I had a mammogram today, and they found a lump in my right breast. I'm not in a total state of panic, as I have cystic breasts. I went through this about 5 years ago when they found a lump in my left breast. I was called back and they rechecked....and the next year, and the next year it happened again. It hasn't changed size or shape, and the left one has the all clear.
Today, they found a lump in my right breast. The left one is still where it is, no change, but the right one is new. She took extra films, and they'll have a better answer for me after the doctor sees the films.
I have mixed emotions on this. On one hand, I'm not overly nervous, because my brain thinks it's just a repeat of what happened with my left breast.
On the other hand, it's struck me and my heart is in my throat. How can you not be scared when they tell you they've found a lump in your breast. My grandmother lost both her breasts to breast cancer. I went shopping after I heard and spent a little too much. I didn't eat though, so that was a choice I made. My normal reactions to a very stressful situation: shop or eat. I didn't want to go off track, since I've been doing so well with clean eating. Trust me, Cold Stone Creamery was calling my name, but I turned to Fashion Bug instead.
Do I have a right to be nervous? Of course I do, but if I say it out loud, am I over reacting to something that hasn't happend? Have you been there?
Ironically, my sister is waiting on some test results this week as well. It's taken forever for her to get her results, and here it's my turn to wait.
Because I couldn't help myself, I went and looked at pictures of women who have gotten a mastectomy. It's on my mind....are my breasts safe for another year? What if they aren't? I'm not ready to part with them, or part of them. They're mine...don't take them away.
Mixed emotions. Like I said, not a total panic, but a quiet sadness that I have to sit and think about this for awhile. It brings me back to the first time I heard I had a lump in my left breast, and I was left wondering...soon. I'll have my answer soon. It will be okay. I know it will....I still feel sad...just sort of want to cry, but nothing to cry at right now.